Emo Philips Quotes

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.