Henny Youngman Quotes

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.