Henny Youngman Quotes

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?