The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan RiversThe nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Joan RiversSold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
Joan RiversJoan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan RiversMy parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
Joan RiversYou don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan RiversI could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
Joan RiversThe psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan RiversI've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.
Joan RiversComediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan RiversMy perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Joan RiversPeople are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.
Joan RiversThe last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.
Joan RiversPeople say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan RiversAll Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan RiversI wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
Joan RiversAnd since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.
Joan RiversDon't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.
Joan RiversElizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
Joan RiversOur natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan RiversThe people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.
Joan Rivers