Joan Rivers Quotes

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities have that thin veneer that they will not break for you.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

I was not an attractive child.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

What we do is a calling...we make people happy.