What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.
Joan RiversIf you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
Joan RiversI must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan RiversVictoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.
Joan RiversMy mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Joan Riversmy cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan RiversEvery comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan RiversYou're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
Joan RiversMy mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.
Joan RiversMy father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
Joan RiversI'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody.
Joan RiversGrandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.
Joan RiversActing is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Joan Rivers[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan RiversI've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
Joan RiversMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."
Joan RiversGay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan RiversWhat are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Joan RiversShe doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan RiversMy daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
Joan RiversWhen my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
Joan RiversTravel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
Joan RiversI've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.
Joan Rivers