Joan Rivers Quotes

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Self-pity shortens your life.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

I was my own buddy in camp.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

Never floss with a stranger.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.