Phyllis Diller Quotes

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

All mothers are working mothers.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.