Rita Rudner Quotes

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Never take candy from strangers.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.