Rita Rudner Quotes

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Cats are a waste of fur.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat."

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I paid attention to not being a comedian, and just concentrated on being who I was. That is what you have to do. If you say you are a comedian that has been done before. If you just be who you are then you are unique. Everyone is unique.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.