Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.