Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.