Steven Wright Quotes

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

Half the people you know are below average.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.