Steven Wright Quotes

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I was an only child, eventually.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?