I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven WrightWinny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick
Steven WrightYou know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven WrightWhen I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven WrightI replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven WrightThere was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven WrightI told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven WrightI worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
Steven WrightI bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven WrightI like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven WrightI had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven WrightI'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
Steven WrightI went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven WrightIt seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
Steven WrightDoing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
Steven WrightI wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
Steven WrightI put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright