There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven WrightPeople think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven WrightI don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
Steven WrightIn hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven WrightI don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."
Steven WrightI was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.
Steven WrightHow come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Steven WrightI got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven WrightWhy is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Steven WrightMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven WrightFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven WrightWhy do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven WrightI put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven WrightGood jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Steven WrightI got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
Steven WrightThe things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven WrightHonestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven WrightI've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
Steven WrightLike other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
Steven WrightTwo babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?
Steven Wright