Steven Wright Quotes

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

What do batteries run on?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

always remember your unique, just like everone else

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."