Dana Gould Quotes

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?