Dana Gould Quotes

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Competition is the death of art.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.