Dana Gould Quotes

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.