Dov Davidoff Quotes

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

Comedy is rarely funny.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.