Dov Davidoff Quotes

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.