Groucho Marx Quotes

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Time wounds all heels.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Was that you or the duck?

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

All geniuses die young.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

I hope they bury me near a strait man

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip