Groucho Marx Quotes

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

Go, and never darken my towels again

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

He thinks I look alike!

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.