Groucho Marx Quotes

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Always examine the dice.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.