Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear "Freebird" live.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

There's no down time any more.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.