Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y'all Doin'?

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.