Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out.

When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road.