Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I don't get no respect

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I can't get no respect.