Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!