I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
Steven WrightDo you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven WrightIf a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven WrightI heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
Steven WrightGeorge is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven WrightYou know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
Steven WrightI love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
Steven WrightI went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven WrightI don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven WrightMy girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven WrightI went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven WrightThe other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
Steven WrightIt's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven WrightMy doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
Steven WrightWhen I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven WrightI saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven WrightIf all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Steven WrightIf it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven WrightWhile I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
Steven WrightI once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
Steven WrightMy grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright