Steven Wright Quotes

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Day One: Still tired from the move.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?