My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.
Steven WrightI saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."
Steven WrightImagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
Steven WrightHow come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
Steven WrightThe older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
Steven WrightA friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven WrightThe lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Steven WrightI was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
Steven WrightPeople may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven WrightThe other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven WrightSponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven WrightI'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
Steven WrightSometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
Steven WrightI was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven WrightA cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
Steven WrightI have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven WrightI got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven WrightWhen I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven WrightMy aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven WrightLast year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven WrightComedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
Steven WrightSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright