Steven Wright Quotes

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

I just lost a buttonhole.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I took a baby shower.