Steven Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I lost a button hole.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

How can there be self-help groups?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I washed mud off of mud.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

I can't stop thinking like this.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?